Eat your hearts out, Hitchcock’s Birds, Bombay has its own version. Where there is a ledge, there is a pigeon. A shifty, beady-eyed creature. Standing room only, a pigeon will squirm its way, tucking in its slippery green tipped wings. About a month ago, pigeons made a nest in an inner building shaft in my flat. Through the vent door, I could hear the baby pigeons (squabs, according to Google) squealing each time the parents arrived, presumably with some delectable morsel. There was enough fluttering, flapping and whirring of wings to send smelly pigeon poo encrusted dust indoors, that I was forced to duct tape the vent door shut. Ugh.

This might sound a little crazy, but I have taken to rapping on the windows with a fly swat (or sometimes I use the flat of my palm) every time I hear excessive warbling and cooing. The disgusting creatures seem to have sex at every opportunity, the plumper males strutting up close like heroes to their counterparts, the gormless females racing along the ledge pretending they want to get away. What a sense of schadenfreude to scare them off mid-amour, as they flee like the frightened rats they are. Pigeons are either having sex. Or eating.

It is easy to understand why they were dubbed rats with wings – not by Woody Allen as is commonly thought – but by the then New York Commissioner of Parks, Thomas Hoving. Back in 1966, they were vandalising parks, as pesty as any rodent, so he could not understand why people were feeding them.

And yet that practice continues, people scattering huge handfuls of grain – and pigeons peck, peck, pecking like it’s going out of fashion. In the name of research, I have taken to observing the goings on at a number of Bombay’s dedicated kabootar khanas (is that too sad?). The fact that there are spaces entirely given over to pigeon feeding, encouraging gatherings of a multitude of pesky, disease-ridden birds, is astonishing. Why do we feed them? What is the underlying philosophy – is there a moral duty relating to some kind of ancestor worship or is it a sneaky business model by the city’s grain merchants? Please excuse me while I have a rant about this spoon feeding, and especially have a go at the hand that feeds.

The Girgaum Chowpatty bird enclosure is filthy, teeming with fat, spoiled pigeons, spilling over on to the pavement, too busy snacking to notice they’re getting under people’s feet. Walkers can hardly move past without one of their number swivelling by, narrowly missing clipping a wing against a human chin or ear. It has become something of a tourist attraction, people having their photos taken with a bird on each arm and one on the head. According to one reviewer, it’s a “pleasurable and therapeutic experience to feed these elegant birds.” There you have it – shudder.

Just over one hundred years ago – the date on the memorial plaque is 24^th May 1923 - one Devidas Purbhoodas Kothari commissioned a fountain and pigeon trough as an act of public service in memory of his late daughter Bai Lilavati. It stands across from the Bombay GPO, with a pagoda style structure to one side, a wrought iron lamplighter halfway up a ladder at the other end. An elegant construction to be sure, its former glory somewhat obscured by smatterings of pigeon poo. Pedestrians covered their mouths and noses as they walked past, but that did not deter the chap chucking grain from a bag hanging from his wrist at the already overstuffed birds. Standing watching them gorge, wings moving in sync with their beaks was like something out of a horror film.

Swarms of pigeons are fed at the Dadar kabootar khana. Situated at a very busy intersection, one of the roads leads to Dadar market and the station, this spot is a commonly used location landmark. Sacks of grain are stacked in one corner of the pigeon pen, there’s even a purchasing counter so true devotees can fulfil some cultural promise to themselves. Into whose pocket does the money from sales go?

Is it any wonder pigeons are attracted to Bombay? They’re telling all their out of town friends of the free food fiesta, come on over. Did you know that pigeon poo is poisonous? Inhaling enough of those sour, pungent particles on a regular basis is likely to make you sick. And fear of pigeons is a very real phobia. I know people who will cross the street, rather than cross a pigeon.

What would it take to make people stop the mollycoddled feeding and see the birds for the vermin they really are? Am I alone in thinking they should be exterminated? No grain, fewer pigeons – a cleaner city for us all. The pollution’s bad enough without the added pain of pigeon poo.

Seeing their rising numbers, I can think of no other rational explanation - maybe they mean to take over the world?

P.S. If anyone has similar anti-pigeon sentiments, please do share a comment!